


Trying To Understand

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-21
Updated: 2003-04-21
Packaged: 2019-05-30 17:33:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15101621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Something goes horribly wrong during the kidnapping of Josh and Donna's two remaining children driving them to brink.





	1. Trying To Understand

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Trying To Understand**

**by:** Mer

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Drama, AU  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Something goes horribly wrong during the kidnapping of Josh and Donna's two remaining children driving them to brink.  
**Author's Note:** Sixth story in the I'll Be series, story starts 7 months after Love is All leaves off. After some serious thought there is no main song theme in this story, though a song or two might be used. 

Seven months had past since Josh and I laid Nathaniel to rest. Little Noah and Julia both gave us quite a few scares but by the time they were four months old, both of them had been able to come home. Neither one of them miraculously show any signs of the battles they fought so hard for. The doctor keeps giving them both a clean bill of health. 

Josh went back to work a week after Nathaniel's death, though he was always available when a situation arose at the hospital. For the first month both of our surviving children did their best to try and give their father some gray hair.

While they were still in the hospital I only worked part time and most of that work was done outside of the office. I did a lot of work sitting in a rocking chair between my two angels. Josh usually came to visit them once he got off work, which was usually by seven at the latest.

The kids had been home for a month when I realized I needed to go back to work in the office. Josh was starting to get swamped, and when he gets swamped he gets cranky. The temporary agency was tired of giving Josh temps because he wasn't the easiest person for a new temp to handle. Even though I had been reassigned to Toby, Ginger begged to be switched back a month after our kids were born and her wish was granted.

Since I was leery of sending our kids to daycare Josh agreed we should hire a live-in nanny. She was an African-American woman named Keisha, who was Charlie's 2nd cousin and she was a godsend. When our days got hectic she would bring the kids by so we could feed them dinner and hold them for a while.

Keisha was an older woman in her mid-fifties whose own two kids and husband were killed in a plane crash some twenty years earlier. Keisha had never remarried and she missed being around kids that she decided to become a nanny and quit her job as a senator's aide. She was about six foot tall and had a no nonsense attitude. Knowing immediately that Keisha would be able to put up with any complaints Josh might have I hired her on the spot.

Josh actually got along with her surprisingly well. She seemed more like an aunt than a nanny. Josh was the one who suggested she live with us due to our hectic schedules and our sometime need to be at the office most of the night. In return Keisha helped with the upkeep of the house and cooked an occasional meal.

When the kids were five months old I went back to work and for the first two months everything was working out smoothly. Josh and I were both adjusting to parenthood beautifully. Until I noticed something one day in an email that I had to confer with C.J. to make sure. Josh wasn't in the office otherwise I would have gone straight to him.

"Carol does C.J. have a minute?" I asked after I had calmly walked down the hallway.

"Yeah go on in." Carol replied without even looking up from what she was doing.

C.J. likewise was bent over her desk, busy doing something. I knocked on her door frame as I entered so she knew I was there. She looked up at me and smiled.

"Donna, how is the West Wing's favorite mommy doing?" She asked.

"I'm okay." I replied in a shaky voice.

"Donna, what's wrong?" C.J. asked.

"Josh's friend from the FBI Mike Casper just sent me an email that I was hoping you could tell me was a false alarm." I replied as I handed her the email.

Mike email had said the West Virginia White Pride member they had captured in connection with the shooting was believed to have been killed in prison and the group might be looking for revenge against the administration. Namely a threat against our two children. But I was unaware of any previous threats from them outside of Roslyn where Josh wasn't even a target. 

"Donna, after Josh was shot and while he was first recovering there was a few threats lodged against him by the same group. He was a Jewish guy who was on TV all the time in connection with the man they caught. None of those threats were taken really taken seriously, however one plain clothes Secret Service agent was posted in the vicinity of Josh's hospital room for a few weeks just in case." C.J. answered.

"Why would they want to go after our children now?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. You should probably talk to Leo about this. I don't think we can blow this off." C.J. replied.

"No, not when it involves our kids. Josh is going to be furious when he finds out." I said.

"Yeah, especially when he finds out who the threat is from." C.J. agreed.

C.J. took me over to Leo's office. Leo read the email and C.J. reminded him of the history behind their threats. Leo arranged for our family to have Secret Service protection immediately.

"Leo, our young family has already been through so much. Please don't let this happen." I begged.

"Don't worry Donna, I love those two kids like they were my own grandkids. I promise you that nothing bad is going to happen to either one of them. Ron is selecting the agents himself." Leo assured me.

"Leo, you might want to call Josh because he is going to blow a casket when he finds out and I can't afford for him to get too wound up." I said.

"I can handle Josh. You might want to call Keisha and tell her what's going on because I wouldn't want her to get upset by the situation." Leo suggested.

I smiled as I pictured Keisha trying to ward off the Secret Service men with a broom. Keisha was one tough lady. Our kids were going to learn a lot from her.

I went back to my desk, taking deep breaths all the way. Nothing was going to happen to our family. I just knew that everything was going to be fine.

Keisha didn't answer when I called the house. I wasn't worried because Keisha often took our kids as she ran errands or arranged play dates between them and some of her young relatives. It was the call to her cell phone that went unanswered that bothered me. Keisha always had her cell phone turned on and I received some kind of error message saying that it wasn't.

"Donna, is Josh back yet? I need..." Sam began but stopped when he saw the look on my face. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just being paranoid that's all. To answer your question Josh's meeting is running late and then he is scheduled to meet with Matt Skinner after that so it'll be awhile." I replied trying not to act rattled.

"Okay, have him stop by my office when he gets back." Sam replied as he went on his way.

I calmly picked the phone back up and decided I had simply dialed the wrong number. That had to be it I prayed as I dialed Keisha's number again.  The same message played and I placed the phone down shakily.

Forcing myself to breathe I thought of what Keisha said her plans for the day were. She mentioned a morning play date and then some shopping in the afternoon. I looked at the clock and realized she was probably at the mall and her cell phone signal was blocked somehow. Even in this day and age things like that still happened.

I called home again and left a message on the answering machine for her to call me as soon as she got back. Then I tried to immerse myself in my work. When the phone rang ten minutes later I pounced on it.

"Hello." I said hurriedly.

"Afternoon beautiful." Josh said sweetly into the phone.

"Afternoon to you too." I replied trying not to let my disappointment show.

"We are on a short break here. It might take even longer than I thought. What am I supposed to be discussing with Matt later?" Josh asked tiredly.

Normally the exhaustion in his tone would have sent warning signals. His physical health had improved slightly. He no longer needed a wheel chair and only had to wear a brace on one leg. However he had been ill recently and was trying to act more recovered then he was. But I was preoccupied so I let it slide. 

"He wants to talk to you about 403. The notes are in the orange folder which should be in the thin blue binder unless you did something screwy with your bag while my back was turned." I replied.

"I love you so much sweetheart. What do you say the five of us go out to dinner tonight?" Josh asked.

The idea intrigued me. Josh and I rarely went out to dinner anymore not to mention with Keisha and the kids. I didn't feel like cooking so it sounded like a plan.

"Yeah that would be great." I replied.

"Okay I gotta go. Give the kids a kiss for me if Keisha stops by with them." Josh said.

"I will. I love you." I answered.

"Me too Donnatella." Josh whispered as he hung up the phone.

Being married sure had it's upside as Josh got me to forget I couldn't get a hold of Keisha. It also put me in a happier mood, which unbeknownst to me was about to be ripped away from me. 

A half an hour later I felt a tap on my shoulder. I smiled as I turned around thinking it was Sam coming to see if Josh had somehow managed to make it back sooner than I told him. Things of that sort were known to happen from time to time.

It wasn't Sam though. It was Leo. He motioned for me to come into Josh's office. A feeling of dread washed over me as I refused to sit down in a chair Leo pointed to.

"Donna, there is no easy way to say this, but before Secret Service protection could arrive Keisha and the kids were attacked." Leo said in a very grim voice.


	2. Trying To Understand 2

**Trying To Understand**

**by:** Mer

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Drama, AU  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Something goes horribly wrong during the kidnapping of Josh and Donna's two remaining children driving them to brink.  
**Author's Note:** Sixth story in the I'll Be series, story starts 7 months after Love is All leaves off. After some serious thought there is no main song theme in this story, though a song or two might be used. 

* * *

"Oh God." I gasped placing my hand over my mouth.

"While preparing to place her kids in the car in the mall parking lot Keisha was struck in the back of the head and knocked unconscious. Your children appear to have been abducted." Leo said as gently as he could.

"Leo..." I replied shakily.

"We are going to do everything we can to get them back." Leo assured me.

"Josh." I whispered.

"Someone is notifying him right now. He'll be brought back to the White House immediately." Leo replied.

I slumped down in a chair. My two little darlings were kidnapped. I couldn't imagine what they must have been going through. Noah was really good around strangers, nothing seemed to bother him, Julia on the other hand was frightened by strangers. She screamed her head off if someone she didn't know tried to pay attention to her. It had taken her a couple of weeks to get used to Keisha.

"Is Keisha okay?" I asked after a moment.

"Yes, she is being taken to the hospital as a precaution but she appears to be okay. She's devastated that this happened." Leo said.

I nodded as the tears I had been fighting began to fall. Leo held me for a minute until C.J. heard what happened and took over for him. I just couldn't believe this was happening to us. I thought our young family had already been through the worst and apparently was wrong.

"We are going to get them both back safely." C.J. assured me.

I nodded, though I knew there was no way she could guarantee that. Leo had already assured me that nothing would happen to them and yet they had been kidnapped so I was a little leery. I had already lost one of my kids and I didn't know what I would do if I lost the other two.

"C.J., Josh is going to explode when he finds out." I sobbed.

C.J. thought about that a moment before answering. She knew that I was right because Josh still had occasional problems with his anger. This would definitely cause the occasional problem to flare up. Josh was still haunted by Nathaniel's death and I feared what would happen if Julia or Noah were hurt.

"Donna it will be okay. I'll get Sam to help you handle Josh. Maybe we can get Danny to help write a convincing article so the kidnappers bring your kids back promptly." C.J. suggested.

"C.J." I sobbed.

"I know sweetie. Everything will work out. You'll see." She said as she stroked my hair.

C.J. stayed with me until I heard the unmistakable sound of Josh rushing in with his one crutch. I jumped up and ran over to him. In my haste I knocked him onto the couch. He got a surprised look on his face.

"Donna darling our kids have been abducted. I don't think right now is the best time to have sex." Josh said quietly and then flashed me a tiny smile.

I had to laugh in spite of myself. I got up so I wasn't directly on top of him anymore. His smile quickly faded. A look of anger and pure disbelief replaced it. 

"What do we know?" Josh asked as he repositioned himself so he was sitting up on the couch.

"Not much." C.J. replied.

Josh nodded and he patted the cushion on the seat next to me. I took the hint and sat down beside him. He took one of my hands in his.

"We will get through this." Josh commented quietly as C.J. left us alone in the office.

Josh and I sat on the couch for a while not saying a word. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks but I paid no attention. The look on Josh's face led me to believe that his thoughts were a thousand miles away. Part of me wanted to know what he was thinking and then another part of me knew he was thinking of the worst case scenarios and I didn't really want to think about that. 

My attempts to talk to him were only met with a nod or a squeeze of his hand. I knew that he needed to be alone with his thoughts and that he also needed me by his side. I didn't make a big deal out of it. Instead I just leaned against his shoulder and tried not to soak his sleeve too much.

"Guys I just heard is there anything that I can do to help?" Sam said as he rushed into the office.

"No." Josh said softly, speaking for the first time in nearly a half hour.

"Pray." I whispered as Sam nodded.

Josh got up off the couch and he motioned for me to stay put. He walked out of the office and his body language said it all. This was tearing him up inside. It also said that he needed to be left alone.

"Is he okay?" Sam asked once Josh was out of sight.

I knew Sam wasn't trying to say Josh had no right to be upset. He was just making sure that Josh wasn't going to explode.

"I don't know Sam." I admitted slowly.

"He seems to be taking this quite well considering. I mean I figured he would be screaming at anyone who would listen." Sam offered.

"Yeah. He's almost gone the other way. He's too quiet." I replied.

As Sam processed that I glanced at the TV Josh had in the corner and noticed the kidnapping was already making waves. My heart broke as they began to show pictures of Nathaniel's funeral. Wondering what angle they were taking I had Sam turn up the volume.

"In August of last year one of the triplets died shortly after birth. Many of the Washington elite attended his funeral. The two surviving triplets remained hospitalized until December and made it home in time for Christmas. Both are reported to be in excellent health at the time of the kidnapping. The White House has yet to comment on the kidnapping though a press conference on the subject is planned for later this evening."  An unknown reporter said as pictures of Noah and Julia flashed on the screen.

"Turn it off please." I begged and Sam complied with my wish.

"Donna they need you in the Oval office." C.J. said as she popped her head in.

I nodded and I walked to the Oval Office wondering where Josh had gone off too. I hoped that he had been summoned as well. I always felt out of place in the President's office because I didn't think I should be there. It was more of a place for Josh because he actually helped with policy; usually I helped with the note taking and little else.

Charlie hugged me once he saw me approach. I tried my best to smile back at the kind words he whispered in my ear, but I was unable to. Luckily he didn't seem to mind.

Head Secret Service Agent Ron Butterfield, President Bartlet, Leo and a man wearing an FBI jacket were waiting for me. Josh was nowhere in sight. I began to wonder where Josh had gone off to when President Bartlet interrupted my thoughts.

"Donna this is Jack Hanson from the FBI's Child Abduction unit. He's here to ask you a few questions about Julia and Noah." President Bartlet introduced.

"Hi." I replied as he held out his hand.

"I'm sorry we didn't meet under better circumstances Mrs. Lyman." Jack said as I shook his hand.

"Please call me Donna." I said as the President motioned for me to sit on the couch.

"As long as you call me Jack. Let's get started then. Donna are there any distinguishing marks on your son Noah?" Jack asked as he pulled out a note pad.

"He has a moon shaped birth mark on his left shoulder." I replied.

"What is his personality like?" Jack asked.

"He's the quiet one. Hardly ever cries and never really makes too big of a fuss. He smiles a lot and it doesn't take much to make him laugh." I replied as I pictured my son.

"What about Julia? Any birthmarks?" Jack asked.

"None whatsoever." I replied with a small shake of my head.

"And what is she like?" Jack asked.

"She makes her presence known. I swear that child has a future in politics." President Bartlet interjected.

"So she cries a lot?" Jack asked.

"Yes. She likes to get her way. She doesn't like strangers and will cry until she sees a familiar face, no matter how long that takes." I replied.

"Does she get along with Noah?" Jack asked.

"Yes. They are always crawling around the house together. Julia is the leader and Noah appears content with following her lead." I replied.


	3. Trying To Understand 3

**Trying To Understand**

**by:** Mer

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Drama, AU  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Something goes horribly wrong during the kidnapping of Josh and Donna's two remaining children driving them to brink.  
**Author's Note:** Sixth story in the I'll Be series, story starts 7 months after Love is All leaves off. After some serious thought there is no main song theme in this story, though a song or two might be used. 

* * *

Jack Hanson asked me a few more questions and then the President had other matters to attend to. I decided that it was best if I went and hunted Josh down. I had given him plenty of time to brood and now it was time for us to talk about the situation.

“Sam have you seen Josh lately?” I asked after I left the Oval Office.

“No. C.J. was looking for him earlier and couldn’t find him I believe.” Sam replied.

“Okay.” I replied with a sigh.

“How are you doing with everything that is going on?” Sam asked.

“I’m hanging in there the best I can Sam. The top FBI guys are working on this so I should feel comforted by that right?” I asked with a little laugh.

“Donna, they will find your kids. I know they will.” Sam reassured me.

“I hope your right Sam.”

“Donna, you have to remain positive. You have to stay strong.”

“I’ll feel a lot stronger if I knew where my beloved husband ran off to hide.”

I left Sam I looked around for Josh for a half hour and by chance I noticed him sitting outside in the Rose Garden all by himself. It was a relatively warm March day so I didn’t mind going outside to sit next to him. The look on his face simply broke my heart.

“Josh, I think we need to talk.” I said softly as I sat down next to him.

“Why would you want to do that?” Josh asked angrily, though I could tell his anger wasn’t directed at me.

I sighed as I tried to think of a logical explanation that he might understand. He sat there stiffly as if he wanted to become a permanent part of the bench. I had expected him to be more vocally upset, but I didn’t expect him to be silent. His silence only meant one thing; it meant that he was blaming himself.

“Josh...” I said slowly.

“I’m as fine as can be expected.” Josh replied a little too quickly.

“Josh please tell me what is really bothering you.” I said as I took his hands in mine.

“They should have killed me that night.” Josh said quietly and without looking at me.

I gasped, which didn’t go unnoticed by him. He shuddered as if I was going to hit him and he waited for the verbal barrage he thought would come from my direction. It never came. Instead, I made him face me.

“Joshua this isn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself for living. This isn’t your fault.” I said with tears in my eyes.

“But Donna...” Josh started to complain until my tears stopped him.

“Honey if you had died that night then we wouldn’t be in this predicament that’s true. I also would never have married the man I’ve loved since I joined the campaign and I also wouldn’t have any children. I would probably have quit the administration and gone back to Wisconsin. I wouldn’t be sitting here right now with the man I love most in the world and I wouldn’t be worried about my two precious angels. You have to stop thinking about the night they tried to kill you. You survived and created a family despite them. Don’t let them destroy you like they almost destroyed you back then. You broke a window with your fist Josh, what are you going to do this time?” I cried. 

“Donna, it was never my intention to make you think I was going to do anything stupid.” Josh said as he looked at my tear streaked face. “We will get through this.”

Josh took me in his arms and held me as I cried on his shoulder. He didn’t say a word and instead he stroked my hair however I could tell he was contemplating what I had just said very carefully. I could feel the tension in his body and I knew he wasn’t going to let go of his guilt that easily.

“Donna it’s just that I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself if something happened to either one of them because of this. I already had to bury Nathaniel; I don’t think I could stand to bury Noah or Julia. Especially not like this.” Josh whispered as he held me.

I knew that Josh had spent most of his life feeling guilty about one thing or another. For the longest time he thought he was responsible for his sister Joanie’s death and then he felt guilty because I didn’t get the chance to know Nathaniel outside of the womb. If either of our children were harmed in any way by these madmen I worried what kind of guilt he would harbor.

“Josh we have to be positive. There is a massive search out for our babies. They will find them alive. I don’t think the group is stupid enough to harm one of them.” I reassured him as I pulled away.

“But what if...” Josh began but his voice trailed off when he saw Leo approach us.

The look on Leo’s face wasn’t a good one. I immediately started to tear up and Josh sat there quietly holding me. Leo stood directly in front of us and he placed his hand on my shoulder. I at first refused to look up at him because if it were really bad news I didn’t want to know.

“I wish I could give you some better news but so far we have been unable to locate the group’s new headquarters so we have no idea where they are keeping the children.” Leo began slowly.

“But you do have some news to share with us right?” Josh asked so quietly I could barely hear him, so I was amazed that Leo could.

“Yes. They released a statement saying that your children had no business being raised in a Jewish family with a black nanny. And they went on to say that there will be no negotiations with Josh for your children’s safe return.” Leo said.

I was confused by that statement. Why would they say that they wouldn’t negotiate with Josh? I noticed that Josh’s face paled but he didn’t say a word. I however couldn’t resist.

“There will be no negotiations with Josh for their safe return; does that mean they plan on killing them both? Or are they willing to deal with me?” I asked anxiously.

“We don’t know what it means.” Leo admitted and Josh nodded as if he expected that answer.

Josh absently began to circle his hand over my back to calm me down. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Josh was as much a part of their lives as I was and the damn kidnappers didn’t want to deal with him. It didn’t seem fair to me.

“So does that mean I make a public statement?” I asked.

“Donna, I think we should make one together.” Josh said slowly.

“No Josh I think she is right. I think she needs to make the plea for them since they seem unwilling to deal with you. We have no idea what they have planned for your children but maybe its better if we don’t test them right away.” Leo answered.

“Leo they are my kids too.” Josh said adamantly.

“I know that Josh. I know they are your kids and I know how much you love them. But I’m not sure this is the best time to test them. Their threat was very vague but the meaning was crystal clear. I’m sorry Josh but for now I think Donna should be the one who makes statements and she should be the face that they see pleading for their safe return.” Leo replied and Josh looked crushed.

Josh nodded and he got up from the bench. Everything in his demeanor told me that he was about to build a wall around himself and pretend to be stronger than he was. I knew from experience that it wasn’t a good thing.

“Josh...” I began until he cut me off.

“Donna, I have some things I need to take care of inside. Leo, let me know when Donna’s going on television so I can watch.” Josh said with little emotion as he slowly limped back inside.

“Josh I’m sorry.” I called out.

“Yeah.” Josh replied unconvincingly as he slipped back inside the building.

“Leo this is already tearing him up inside.” I said.

“I can’t even begin to imagine what the two of you are going through right now.” Leo said.

“I understand that. But Leo it’s worse for him. He thinks that if he had died that night none of this would have happened. He feels complete responsibility no matter how much I try and convince him otherwise. If he isn’t involved in their safe return he is going to feel like a failure.” I added.

“I know Donna but I don’t know what else to suggest right now. They already tried to kill him once and now they have his succeeded in kidnapping his children. I have no idea what else they are capable of and I don’t know how else to solve this. There are times like these when I wish I didn’t have this job. That hurt look on his face is going to stay with me always because I just cut a father out of helping getting his kids back.” Leo replied.   
  


“Then we have to keep him involved somehow. I’m just afraid that excluding him is going to do more harm than good.” 

“Donna, I know. I love Josh like a son. I can see what this is doing to him and I hate myself for doing it, but I don’t know what else I can do. I’m trying to help you get both of your kids back alive. Josh can be mad at me later I don’t care. I just don’t want you guys to have to bury another child, especially if it can be prevented.” Leo said.


	4. Trying To Understand 4

**Trying To Understand**

**by:** Mer

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Drama, AU  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Something goes horribly wrong during the kidnapping of Josh and Donna's two remaining children driving them to brink.  
**Author's Note:** Sixth story in the I'll Be series, story starts 7 months after Love is All leaves off. After some serious thought there is no main song theme in this story, though a song or two might be used. 

* * *

“Why do you think they chose our kids Leo?” I asked.

“I don’t know Donna.” Leo answered gently.

“I almost died delivering them and they almost didn’t survive their births like Nathaniel. Hell Josh almost died before he even knew they were his.”

“I remember.”

“Leo, when he first found out I was pregnant and that I thought the father had died, Josh swept me in his arms and he told me that he was going to help me get through this. He wanted to marry me and become the father. Not because he felt obligated but because he loved me and he was willing to raise another man’s child if it meant we could finally be together. Even when I pushed him away he was still there waiting to let him love me and my children. Any normal guy would have run away a long time ago, but Josh never has. He has always been there for me even when I wasn’t there for him.” 

“I know Donna. I would give anything to change what has happened, but there isn’t much we can do right now.”

“It still sucks.”

“I’ll agree with that too. Now lets go inside and see if we can’t write a speech that will help you get your kids back.”

Leo led me back inside and we went to see Toby and Sam so they could help me draft a speech to give to the kidnappers. I felt like a horrible person, because the one person I needed by my side to help me get through this was the one person that couldn’t. A fact that didn’t go unnoticed by either Toby or Sam, I might add.

“Okay so which one of you wants to go first, you or Josh?” Toby asked.

“Josh isn’t going to be speaking.” Leo said quietly.

“Yeah it might be better if he just stand beside Donna, because we wouldn’t want anymore secret plans to fight inflation slip out.” Sam joked.

In spite of everything everyone laughed a little. C.J. swore that she was never going to forgive him for that incident but eventually had to turn over the press room to him one more time and he did fine. He was forgiven but the incident was not forgotten.

“Sam, Josh isn’t going to be by my side either.” I replied, though it broke my heart to say it.

“What? Donna did you two have a fight?” Toby asked.

Toby had lots of experience dealing with our fights, especially within the past year. I could tell he was worried that another huge fight had occurred.

“Yeah did you? If so you had better go and make up with him because it looks better if both of you make the statement or are at least present.” Sam said.

“Josh isn’t going to be there okay. And no Toby we didn’t have a fight, though we probably should have. Josh’s absence is what the kidnappers wanted. They said they weren’t going to negotiate with him, alright. I feel terrible about it but it wasn’t my decision to make. Do you both understand that?” I exploded.

It was anger that had been building as soon as I learned they had been kidnapped. Anger that I never had shown to them so violently before. Sam and Toby looked like they just wanted to melt right into the floor. Neither one of them knew what to say to me as the tears began to cascade down again. 

“Donna we never meant to hurt you.” Sam said softly as he took me in his arms.

“I’m sorry too.” Toby replied.

“I wish I could change the situation everyone but the kidnappers don’t want to listen to a man they only perceive to be as Jewish.” Leo said softly.

Toby understood better than anyone else being Jewish himself. I could see him visibly shudder at what might have happened if he had a family or had been more in the news. 

“It’s just that I remember when Josh came back to work after being shot that he didn’t want to sue them because he thought the lawsuit was too small. He didn’t want it to seem like he just slipped in their driveway. And this is the same man that they don’t want to deal with. And you know what?” Toby muttered.

“What?” I asked.

“He probably would have won too.” Toby answered softly.

“Okay we have to focus on what Donna is going to say and mention that there is a reason that Josh isn’t there.” Sam suggested changing the subject.

“Like what? Matters of state or something?” I asked.

“No then it will appear to the rest of the country that Josh doesn’t care about his kids. We can’t make it seem like his job is more important.” Leo replied.

“Say that Donna’s making the statement because that is what the kidnappers requested. We probably shouldn’t even mention his name.” Toby suggested.

“We have to at least mention his name.” Sam protested.

“No Toby’s right. If they don’t want to deal with Josh then we shouldn’t bring up his name. The less we point him out the better the chance we have to getting them both back alive.” I said.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Leo asked.

“No, but what choice do I have?” I asked.

“Okay then. We need to make a strong statement that says we are willing to respond to only their reasonable demands and we will compromise with them as long as they are willing to do the same.” Toby said.

We worked on the statement for an hour. After it was finished I took it and decided that at the very least I should read it to Josh to see if there was anything that he thought we should add. At the very least I figured I owed him that much.

I went to his office and he was hunched over a file scribbling some notes on it. His body language told me that he would rather be doing anything else but what he was. I also knew that he had thrown himself into the file because he needed some kind of distraction.

I stood there and watched him a moment as my eyes rested on our family portrait that was perched on his desk. The picture had been turned so I could see it. Josh was holding a squirming Julia and they both had mischievous looks on their faces. Everyone could tell she was just like him.

I held Noah and he looked content there in my arms. The official portrait had been a present to Josh’s mom for her birthday a little over a month earlier. I suddenly was glad we had gone ahead and gotten the picture done. If something happened at least we would have that one to remember.

I tried to stop thinking about that and realized I needed to get back to the business at hand. I looked at Josh again. He was deep in thought so I startled him a little when I called his name.

“Josh.” I said softly.

“Hi.” Josh replied sheepishly.

“How are you doing?” I asked as I came over to his chair.

“I’m managing. How are things going with the statement?” Josh asked as he hugged me tightly.

“We are finished. Here it is.” I said after I pulled it away.

“I don’t want to read it Donna.” Josh said as he handed the statement back to me.

“Josh come on. I need your support here.” I begged.

“Donna, you have my full support. I just don’t want to read it.” He said without even looking up at me. “Go make your statement.”

“Josh...” I said drawing out his name a little.

“Donna, I’m sure that whatever Toby and Sam wrote is fine. I know they know what they are doing. I will be waiting for you right here when you get finished, I promise.” Josh said softly.

“Josh I wish there was another way.”

“I know you do.”

I gave him another tight hug. I held on to him for at least a minute before he slowly pulled away.

“It’s time Donna. Go get our kids back.” Josh whispered.

I nodded and I slowly walked out of his office. I turned back to look at him at the doorway and he gave me a fake smile. Josh deserved to be going to the press room with me. He deserved so much more than to sit and watch idly as I pleaded for their lives.

I however, never made it to the press room right that instant. Instead I was shuttled into the Oval Office and Josh was brought to join me. I rushed to him as soon as he entered the room. A wave of dread washed over me. I just knew that something bad had happened.

Leo, Jed and Abbey walked in slowly. The three of them shared a look and then Abbey came over to the couch where we were sitting. Her eyes were red rimmed.

“What happened? Why can’t I give the speech?” I asked out of desperation.

“Josh, Donna they found Julia.” Abbey whispered in a strange voice.


	5. Trying To Understand 5

**Trying To Understand**

**by:** Mer

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Drama, AU  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Something goes horribly wrong during the kidnapping of Josh and Donna's two remaining children driving them to brink.  
**Author's Note:** Sixth story in the I'll Be series, story starts 7 months after Love is All leaves off. After some serious thought there is no main song theme in this story, though a song or two might be used. 

* * *

“What do you mean they found Julia?” Josh asked since I was too numb to speak.

“Donna, Josh this is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to tell you...” Abbey began.

Josh hugged me so tight I became distracted. I could feel his tears on my shoulder so I knew the news wasn’t good. It took a moment for me to process this.

“You mean my baby is dead.” I finally managed to say.

“Yes Donna, I’m so sorry.” Abbey replied.

Tears started to cascade down my cheeks as well. My baby girl was dead. Suddenly worrying about how Josh would deal with not being at a press conference didn’t matter at all. I knew that her death was going to take a lot out of both of us.

“Julia was taken to an Emergency Room and abandoned in one of the chairs. She was wrapped in a blanket and a note was attached...” Jed said but struggled to finish.

“What did the note say?” Josh asked in an emotionless voice.

“I’m not sure you want to hear this.” Jed replied in a concerned voice.

“Unfortunately the police have already leaked this information to the press so it’s probably better that you hear it from me. Josh, they said her death was an accident. Apparently she wiggled out of someone’s arms as they were walking down some steps and she fell.” Leo said and his voice cracked with emotion. “However, it went on to say that she was the most like you and they were glad they killed the daughter of a fucking Jew.”

Josh simply nodded to Leo’s explanation. I could feel his body tense up beside me. My tears fell down harder and he just simply held me.

“Donna would you like me to call both of your families and tell them?” Jed asked.

I knew that Josh wouldn’t be able to call his mom and my family had never been thrilled with the fact I waited a long time to tell them I was married and pregnant. I didn’t really want to face them either.

“Yes please.” I managed to choke out.

“The note also assured us that Noah was safe.” Abbey said suddenly.

I was too busy grieving for my daughter to even realize my son was still missing too. I could feel Josh relax slightly but I knew he was as shaken up as I was.

They left us alone in the room and my sobs were the only sound. I was still tightly clutched to Josh’s chest so I could feel his tears as well.

Josh was murmuring something but I couldn’t make out the words. The mere thought of his soft gentle voice was comforting enough so I didn’t need to hear the words. 

Suddenly Josh pushed himself away from me. I was stunned as he got up. So stunned that I didn’t even know what to say to him.

“I need to make the arrangements for Julia’s funeral.” Josh said in a flat voice.

I nodded in understanding. Sam helped him arrange the funeral for Nathaniel so I guess he already knew what to do. I got up and followed him out of the room. C.J. stopped me in the hallway, letting Josh pass.

“Donna, we just heard.” C.J. told me with red-rimmed eyes.

“You know I really thought that we would have found a way to bring them both back unharmed. Was I too naïve?” I asked as C.J. led me into her office.

“No you weren’t naïve. Donna no one ever wants to see a child kidnapped, let alone murdered while in those people’s hands.” C.J. said softly.

“They still have my son C.J. how am I ever supposed to believe they’ll just give him back to us? Julia’s death showed me that they can’t be believed.” I said through my tears.

“We have to believe. We have to have faith Noah will be okay. Donna Noah is alive somewhere out there and you have to have faith in him.” C.J. urged.

Later that Evening

Despite Leo’s and the president’s objections we went back to our house. Josh’s mother was arriving in the morning and my family was due in that afternoon. They had never come to see me the whole time I was in D.C., not even after the triplets were born and Nathaniel died. 

I was understandably distraught so the president’s physician prescribed a sedative for me. I woke up in the middle of the night to an empty bed. I placed my hand over Josh’s side and felt it was cold so that let me know he had been up for quite awhile.

I put on a robe and I went searching for him. It wasn’t very hard to find him. He was in the living room watching some home movies of Julia and Noah.

“Josh what are you doing?” I asked softly as I placed my hand on his shoulder.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Josh replied tonelessly.

The lack of tone in his voice worried me. He had barely spoken since he found out about Julia and when he did he spoke like a machine.

“Do you want to talk?” I suggested softly.

“What do you want me to talk about?” Josh snapped as he paused Julia’s image on the screen. “I’m the reason she’s dead.”

We had already gone over the fact it wasn’t his fault she was kidnapped. We had already gone over the fact it wasn’t his fault he survived the shooting. Something I normally would have pointed out to him, but I had a feeling this was not the time. He wasn’t ready to let go of his self-pity.

“I’m here for you whenever you need me to be.” I said as I turned to go back to bed.

“I knew they wanted to kidnap our children. I knew and I still couldn’t stop them.” Josh replied.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“I’ve been getting threatening letters. I get a lot of them actually. The more serious ones I turn over to the Secret Service. Once they determined the threat was a creditable one they stepped up security around us. Unmarked patrols at night, plain clothes officers tailing us during the day all trying to prevent this from happening. The day of the kidnapping two agents were injured as the kidnappers got away.” Josh admitted.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to worry you. They said they had everything handled and I believed them. I didn’t know they would fail and our daughter would die. I thought everything was going to be okay.” Josh replied.

Anger welled up from deep inside of me. Josh knew that our baby’s lives were threatened and he didn’t tell me. He didn’t warn me. I wonder if he warned Keisha.

“Did you tell Keisha that her life might be in danger?” I asked angrily.

“No because I didn’t want to worry her.” Josh answered.

“You could have gotten her killed!” I screamed.

Josh nodded in agreement. In that moment I hated my husband. Maybe it was my grief talking or maybe it was the drugs. I walked over and I slapped him across the face. The slap echoed throughout the house.

“I fucking hate you.” I screamed as I ran back t the bedroom.

I pulled out a suitcase from the closet and I threw some of my clothes into it. Josh came into the room as I was doing this. He leaned wearily against the doorjamb.

“I need some space, so don’t even think about following me.” I yelled as I picked up the suitcase.

“Donna, even if you leave here right now it’s not going to bring Julia back. She was our daughter and I thought she was safe.” Josh protested.

“Well I guess you didn’t try hard enough.” I yelled as I stalked out of the house.

I got into my car and I drove around for awhile. I was so furious that my nails were digging into the steering wheel. My eyes were long since dried from crying. I was running on pure adrenaline. 

Don’t ask me why but I ended up at Toby’s doorstep. I guess because he was the one, who told me Josh had been shot, he was the one who got Josh to cry after Nathaniel died. I was hoping he would be able to help me too.

I knocked on the door and Toby answered it rather quickly. I found that to be odd since it was nearly three in the morning.

“Donna come in.” Toby said as he gave me a hug.

“Thanks.” I replied wearily.

“Josh called me and said that you two had a fight. He asked me to make sure you were okay if you stopped by.” Toby replied.

I had figured as much so I nodded. 

“Toby my children were kidnapped and my daughter is dead. This whole time Josh knew it was a possibility that it would happen and he never told me. His form of protecting her only got her killed.” I lashed out.

“I know.” Toby replied as he wrapped me in a huge hug and held me until the sun began to shine.


	6. Trying To Understand 6

**Trying To Understand**

**by:** Mer

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Drama, AU  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Something goes horribly wrong during the kidnapping of Josh and Donna's two remaining children driving them to brink.  
**Author's Note:** Sixth story in the I'll Be series, story starts 7 months after Love is All leaves off. After some serious thought there is no main song theme in this story, though a song or two might be used. 

* * *

That next afternoon I picked my parents up from the airport and I took them to their hotel. Julia’s funeral was to be held the next morning. In Julia’s short life they had only met her once and that was because I took her and Noah to Wisconsin for a visit. Josh was supposed to come too, but a crisis abroad required his attention so I made the trip alone. My parents had yet to meet him in person.

“When do we get to meet this husband of yours?” My father Jack asked.

“You’ll see him tomorrow at the funeral.” I replied.

“He’s not going out to dinner with us tonight?” My mom Cheryl asked.

“No.” I replied evasively.

“Donna from what you have told us he is a wonderful loving man who is a great father. Why are you keeping him from us?” Dad asked.

“Because we had a fight last night and I really don’t want to see him right now.” I snapped.

My parent’s looked at each other. I could see a look of concern splash across their faces.

“Donna, I really think the two of you need to talk. He’s grieving as much as you are baby and you both need to support each other.” Mom replied.\

My mother was speaking from experience because she had a miscarriage before I was born and it almost ripped their relationship apart. But they found a way through their differences and had me.

“I know Mom but right now I would rather not. I need a change. I don’t think I can stay in this city anymore.” I replied.

I didn’t even need to mention that a full FBI raid of West Virginia White Pride stomping grounds found nothing. It was if everyone had vanished.  The chances of finding my son were slim to none.

“You want to come back home for awhile then?” Dad asked softly.

“Yes Daddy I do.” I replied as I went to him and cried on his shoulder.

“You can come home for as long as you need sweetheart.” He said as he soothed my hair back behind my ears.

The next day

Josh had kept Julia’s funeral a small affair. Only those who knew her in life were allowed at her funeral. I sat in the pew next to him and held his hand for appearance sake. Josh didn’t try and talk to me. He just sat there and held me as we both cried.

Sam was one of the few people who were brave enough to try and speak at her funeral. Neither myself or Josh had wanted the honor. Sam though had prepared for it.

“Little Julia Lyman had her whole life ahead of her. She still had her first steps to take and her first full sentence to make. She could say Momma and Dada but I was working really hard on trying to get her to say Sam. It came out more like SSS but I assure you she was making progress.” Sam said.

Light laughter filled the church as Sam continued on.   

“While Julia couldn’t walk she crawled everywhere. She was a little speed demon that one as I learned the one and only time I was ever allowed to baby-sit her. I took my eyes off of her for a minute and she found my bottle of cologne that had fallen to the floor. She had poured the whole bottle over herself in two seconds flat. Let’s just say she smelled like Stetson for at least a week and Donna never let me forget it.” Sam said.

More laughter filled the church and even I had to laugh because I remembered the incident. Sam was right, she wreaked of his cologne for at least a week. 

“Julia’s smile and laughter could melt you heart. It made me want to have a child until all of a sudden her ferrous cries would begin. Believe me that child would let you know when she was un-happy. Everyone in the office liked to say that she had a future in politics one day. I am among those who weren’t sure whether that was a good or a bad thing.”

Even louder laughter echoed throughout the church.

“On a more serious note Julia was a fighter. She was born too early and was no bigger than the palm of my hand. After her brother Nathaniel died I was worried that she would quickly follow. Julia proved she had a very strong will and wasn’t ready to give in just then. While her life ended in a senseless tragedy her spirit and her strong will lives on. A little girl who smiled that brightly and laughed so heartily doesn’t just disappear that easily. It is that smile and laughter that we need to remember. It is the funny stories and the pictures we all have that will help to keep her alive. I know Julia’s smiling down on us from heaven because believe me if she were unhappy we would have known about it by now.”

Sam got down from the podium and then we all went out to the cemetery. She was buried in a grave right next to her brother. Two of my children were now buried in a cemetery. It wasn’t fair.

I had made the decision to go back home with my parents and I still hadn’t had a chance to talk to Josh about it. After we got back to the house for the reception afterwards I decided it was time to pull Josh aside.

I led him into the bedroom. For the first time since our fight I took a good look at him. His face was pale, his red-rimmed eyes had dark circles under them and I could tell by the severity of his limp just how exhausted he was. It almost broke my heart to tell him I needed time apart.

“We need to talk.” I said as I forced him to sit down on our bed while I stood.

“You have every right to hate me.” Josh replied sincerely.

“Josh you know that I love you with all of my heart right? You know that I loved having you as the father of our children and living together as a happy family.” I began.

“I love the life we have shared in this house too.” Josh answered quietly.

“The other night I shouldn’t have left things the way they were. I was hurting and I took my anger out on you. I’m sorry for that. But it also helped me realize something. I can’t live in this city or in this house right now. I can’t work at a place that is partly responsible for what happened to our children. While I love you very dearly, I need to get away. I’m leaving for Wisconsin in the morning with my parents.” I replied.

“Please Donna don’t go. I need you right now.” Josh begged.

“I can’t Josh. I thought that once Noah and Julia were released from the hospital that we could live the life I have always dreamed of. I had the man I loved, two adorable children and a house that our friends fixed up especially for us. But our jobs kept getting in the way of true happiness. Working in the White House was something I never dreamed would happen as I was a little girl. But I can’t work there anymore knowing that there is something more important than our family.” I replied.

“Donna if you want me to quit just say the word and I will. What’s left of our family means more to me than anything else in the world.” Josh replied.

“That’s just it Josh, we are the only two people left. Nathaniel and Julia are dead and we will probably never find Noah. Our family is gone and there is nothing left for us to try and save.” I replied with tears in my eyes.

“Donna, you don’t mean that. Our love is worth fighting for. You have to see that. We almost lost it once; don’t let it slip away again.” Josh begged.

“I need some time to think Josh. I need to spend some time with my real family in Wisconsin.” I said.

I could see that my last words stung him. I hated myself for the look of pain I saw cross his face but I truly felt I was doing the right thing. While I loved him with all of my heart I didn’t think that was enough. My children had all been taken away and I figured it must be a sign.

“Josh life is not a fairy tale. I can’t wave a magic wand and make everything okay again. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want to be. All I know is that I can’t be right here in this house.” I replied.

“I know first hand that life is not a fairy tale remember? There was a time when you knew that too. There was a time when you wanted me with the good and the bad. I know you blame me for what happened to our kids and you have every right. But if you walk away from us right now I don’t know if I can ever let you back in. You tried to walk out once when I really needed you and I fought it. But I can’t promise you what will happen if you walk out again.” Josh said.

“I understand Josh. I can’t promise you I’ll come back.” I replied.

“So does this mean this is the end?” Josh asked.

“I don’t know. I can’t say for now.” I replied.

I went over to Josh and I gave him a hug. I held him against me and even though I knew I loved him deep down that feeling wasn’t immediately clear.

“I am going to respect your wishes Donnatella but if you ever need to talk to me you know how to get in touch with me. And remember I have always loved you.” Josh whispered.

I walked out of the room and went back to my support group of friends. None of them realizing that I was probably going to leave the man who had become my life. 


End file.
